Itz Holistically Wholesome

Being a parent is all things beautiful every day, right? After all, our children are happy and healthy; as parents, we are on top of things, and life is fantastic. So, there is nothing to be concerned about. Oh, I wish this was always the case, but in reality, things are not always great and we have those not so beautiful moments that we would rather not experience.

One of the best thing that God could ever do for us humans is to make us parents. Just think about it, God must really think the best of our capabilities when He decided to entrust His little treasure, the future in our care. And, of course we are thankful because, for the most part, the journey is filled with happiness, laughter, surprises and overall beautiful experiences. At every stage of this incredible journey, there is something extraordinary to appreciate.

My children are my “glad bag,” as we often say in my Jamaican culture. In other words they bring me unspeakable joy and gives me endless purpose. Their presence gives me the drive to continue working on becoming a better version of myself so that I can raise them into the best individuals possible. They are my reason for every season. Knowing they are in my life helps me up when I am feeling down, loved when I feel unloved and brave when I am fearful. They keep the smile in my heart when I want to wallow in self pity, and they are the sunshine in my life on my most cloudy days. I am immensely blessed and I cannot say it enough.

However, as I mentioned before, every day is not always the best. Unfortunately, life is imperfect, and my little lambs have days that scare me as a mother, especially when they are sick. I am somewhat anxious when my babies are not feeling well. It does not help that I had a traumatic experience with my firstborn. Though I manage to hold it together, inside I am frightened. I am that mom who jumps from her sleep to check that her baby is breathing and even give them a little shake so that they respond with a bit of squirm without waking up to reassure myself that they are alive.

Additionally, I cannot sleep, even if I do close my eyes, it is for short periods. When my babies are sick, I become “Nurse Mommy” and do my best while working around the clock to help them recover as soon as possible. I rarely leave their side; I cannot since they always lie on top of me or are resting in my arms. Besides, during this time, they want no one else.

I am not in control

If nothing else reveals to me just how out of my control things are, my sick children, make that very clear. I and reminded that I can do nothing but support and comfort them through these challenging times. It is God who decides when, where, what, or how. 

My youngest, Emmah-Rose has not felt well for a few days. One moment she was fine and the next, she was roasting from a high fever. I watched as my little mischievous, busy-bee went from turning our home upside down to not wanting to move from mommy’s arms because she was not feeling like herself. Her eyes became droopy, and she looked like she had no energy left inside of her little body. A few times, she gazed up at me questioningly as if she was asking what was happening to her. A look that says, I do not understand, Mommy. It breaks my heart into pieces because Mommy cannot make it go away with the snap of her finger or a kiss. We thought it to be associated with her teething. To make it worse, she cried hard, and nothing I did seemed to help for a while. However, after trying several things, I must have gotten it right because she settled down a bit.

As a Christian, my children being unwell reminds me of how dreadful sin is and how much it affects all of us; no one is exempt, not even the young baby on the breast or the most vibrant little infant. But I know that through everything, God is right there, and if He allows my babies to go through this, it is for their benefit, and He will be right there to protect and comfort them better than I ever could. Yet, when I pray, I sometimes get terrified because while I want God to exercise His perfect will, I want it to always be that they will recover and be unaffected. Anything outside of that scares me, and we all know where a heading, so I dare not say it.

I would not want to be on this journey despite the not-so-good moments. I am learning to accept each day as they come and trust our Heavenly Father with the care of His children. Besides, he has the final say.