Itz Holistically Wholesome

How God Used My Own Prayer to Expose the Condition of My Heart

After years of being a stay-at-home mom, I decided it was time to return to the working world. I hadn’t figured out exactly how I was going to balance working, homeschooling my son, and being present for my children, but I believed God could make the seemingly impossible… possible.

I began to pray:
“God, You know how much I love my children and how deeply I desire to raise them according to Your will. I long to continue homeschooling, but I also miss contributing outside the home, engaging in stimulating conversations and being among like-minded people. I believe You can provide a job that won’t pull me away from my first ministry, my children.”

I also searched social media for encouragement from other moms who were doing both; working and homeschooling.

Eventually, I found a job that aligned with my values and desires. Nervously, I applied. I went through four rounds of interviews. And all along the way, I kept praying:

“God, thank You for this opportunity. But if this is not Your will for me, shut the door. Don’t allow me to go any further unless You are in it. I don’t want it unless it’s from You.”

That was my repeated prayer.

Then came the outcome: I didn’t get the job.

Disappointment sank in. At first, I said nothing, afraid that voicing my thoughts might reveal a lack of faith. But God already knows our hearts, so I opened my mouth and poured it out: my sadness, my confusion, my frustration. I even began questioning Him.

But then, in the stillness of my spirit, I heard:
“But you said, ‘If I am not in it, you want nothing to do with it.’”

I was stunned. Silenced.
Every word of my prayer played back in my mind. And in that moment, I saw how flawed it was, not because I didn’t mean it, but because my heart wasn’t fully prepared for His answer.

I repented.

Sometimes we pray with words that sound good, words we know from Scripture, but we don’t truly mean them. Deep down, we still want our way. We tell God, “Have Your way, ”but secretly hope His way matches ours.

The proof? It’s in our reaction when the door shuts. If we trusted Him fully, disappointment would still come but so would peace. Instead of questioning His love, we’d say, “Lord, I’m hurting, but I trust You. If You shut the door, it’s for my good.”

So today, I leave this reflection with a challenge for myself, and for you:
Pay close attention to your prayers. Are you truly surrendering your will to God? Or are you only okay with His answer when it looks like your plan?

With love and purpose,
Tomika Chance
Itz Holistically Wholesome