Itz Holistically Wholesome

Yesterday, July 19th, I celebrated eight years of marriage to one man, Ewart Chance. And what a heck of a journey it has been. Over the years, we have had many ups and downs but have somehow managed to stay in the boat and weathered the storms together individually (because the self is the cause at times) and collectively. By no means do I have the perfect marriage, if ever there is one, nor do I have the perfect spouse, and that is okay because I am not perfect either. We have bumped heads a lot, and rightfully so, because we are separate individuals with our flaws.

Sometimes we forget that it is “US” and not “I” and end up doing acts that may come across as being selfish to the other person. On other days, I forget that I am not the man in the marriage; God did not give me headship, nor am I my spouses’ mother, and so I get a bit much and even try to micro-manage my hubby in the process. I still get cranky over his mess and his poor communication skills, but I embrace the fact he is a faithful and hardworking man which, by the way, works out in his favor because he gets pardoned for shortcomings as a result.

Best of all, we have survived this long because we both value marriage on a personal and spiritual level and want to please God by striving to make it last until death does us part. Sometimes, we are pretty bad at it, but Christ, the glue in our marriage, holds it all together.

“Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him” (James 1:15).

After eight years of marriage, I have learned much about myself, my husband, and life. I now look back at us and laugh at how dumb we were about things while thinking we had it together. And the funniest thing is that we still do not have it all together but are learning each day. However, of all the lessons that I have learned, these resonate with me the most:

1. Marriage is a partnership/business – Many approach marriage unprepared and unrealistically. It may be because we formulate our ideas based on movies we have watched, books we have read, and watching the “Jones,” who seems to be having a blissful, almost fairytale marriage. I, for one, must admit that my head was way up in the clouds, and what I thought marriage would not be was not really the case but do not be discouraged, you can create your perfectly imperfect marriage for yourselves. So snap out of that dream-like state your are in quickly; you have much work to do. Marriage is a partnership between two people who consciously decide to embark on a journey together without knowing what the future will be but are determined to succeed. Think of your marriage as a business because that is just what it is. You must invest your time and resources, and work to make it successful. I have never seen any successful businessman or woman sit back, and do nothing, then expect the business to grow and become a success miraculously, so why should our marriage? Work hard at it; it deserves your best.

2. Walking Away Should Be Our Last Resort – As I mentioned previously, I have experienced both good and bad moments in my marriage. I did not appreciate not-so-good ones until I realized how resilient these experiences have made me. Your union will build your character and reveal positive and negative aspects of yourself that you never knew existed. God gave me specific challenges over the years to show me what parts of myself needed work. However, I have had moments where the thought of ending it all came to my mind, and yes, in the moment of frustration, I have even verbalized it or used it to threaten my husband. Then, I end up looking stupid because Lord knows I did not mean it. It was my “weapon of warfare” then, but please do not do that. Speak life into your marriage! Life is imperfect, so do not enter your marriage expecting perfection from a flawed being. It is essential to remember why you joined yourself to this individual, hopefully was in good faith because it will be your reason to stay in the boat and weather the storm whenever they come, and trust me, they will.

3. Be willing to forgive and move on – Both my husband and I have acted selfishly towards each other. Sometimes we both want to be right or have the other person do just what we say. Marriage is not about saying, “I told you so,” or being right or wrong. We all make mistakes, but forgiving your spouse for wrongs, they may have done to you and finding ways to work through them is best. Always remember that we must be willing to forgive in the same way that Jesus forgives us. I want to add that if you are the guilty spouse, do not take it for granted that because God says to forgive, you will not make an effort to do right by your spouse. Both parties are responsible for the marriage; it takes two to make it work.

4. Your spouse is not your enemy – My husband has a complex way about him and knows how to push my buttons. He sucks at communication and knows how to be wrong and intense at times. I think it may be innate 😂 and so he has no control over it. There were moments when I thought my husband was the enemy because there was no way that a partner could do something so inconsiderate. I even went as far as to say that satan got me good when he tricked me into thinking that God okayed my marriage. Indeed, my outcome is hell if I do not get away. This sentiment is far from the truth, and I was dragging it a bit; it was not even that bad initially. I am learning to control my thoughts and speech because I generally say how I feel, which is not always the best thing. Words hurt, and we cannot take them back. So think about the effects of your comments or action before doing it. We must remember that the enemy of our souls wants us to exaggerate things and see our wives or husbands as our enemies. If you should think about it, marriage is living holy in the sight of God, and Satan would rather have us living in sin so that we could be lost as he is. So, after eight years, I no longer consider my husband a possible enemy. I see him as another human trying to fight against his sinful nature and live a life in Christ while trying to have a successful marriage. Besides, at times I am my own enemy, to be honest.

5. It Gets Better – I once heard that if a marriage starts rough, it will get better sooner; if it began to smoothly, the wild days are ahead. Also, I heard that if you get through the first five or six years (I forget which one, really), then your chances of having a successful marriage increase. So, I was like, bring on the bad so that it can pass so that I can ease into my happy years. And boy, oh boy, did we start rough? When I say that my husband and I bumped heads A LOT during the first few years of my marriage. I am not exaggerating, it was unbelievable, but I can happily say that things have calmed down significantly, or maybe we have become more accepting of each other.

We must approach marriage with a forever mindset. It means being faithful to your spouse, forsaking all others, caring for each other, and working together to achieve your goals. Remember, by creating an amiable marriage; we are being role models to our children and honoring God. Marriage is still the way to go; never let society tell you otherwise. Let’s work to bring God’s ideal union and family back.

Happy aniversary to us and God bless.